Jeff & Konnor's Blog

Thanks to mom and dad the Utah State Legislature, today is the last day that malt beverages such as Mike's Hard Lemonade (pictured) may be sold in the state. A law effective tomorrow prohibits the sale of malt beverages in grocery stores. Ordinarily, this would mean that we would just have to go to the State Liquor Store instead, but the law also adds new labeling rules and other regulations that no manufacturer has chosen to follow. The law also applies to beers containing flavoring such as lime. All of this went down because our parents the Church the Legislature was worried that kids might confuse the beverages, sold in the beer aisle and clearly marked "CONTAINS ALCOHOL," for tasty fruit drinks and purchase them from supposedly brain-dead grocery store clerks.

Ironically, these laws were a part of a "compromise" measure to "normalize" Utah's liquor laws. See if you can untwist this mess: Previously, if you ordered a mixed drink somewhere, it could contain only one ounce of liquor; but, you could simultaneously order a shot, and then mix the two yourself. Now, a mixed drink can contain up to 1.5 ounces of liquor; however, you are now NOT allowed to order a shot of any liquor that is in any mixed drink at your table. So, if your friend is drinking a margarita with Jose Cuervo, you cannot order a shot of Jose Cuervo. Double-reverse-however, you CAN order a shot of any other brand of tequila. That's what you get when people who don't drink try to make drinking laws.

In related news, whenever you're at our house, we will put as much alcohol in your drink as you damn-well please.